Old-fashioned or not? ~ Relationships

On New Years Eve, I found myself in a conversation about relationships. One guy said that there wasn’t such a thing as a long term relationship anymore. He said you just got together and then it could be over in an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year or a few years.

It seems like a trend more and more nowadays: just throw away a relationship, because someone ‘better’ comes around. To me, this sounds really weird.

There are numbers to show you WHY people divorce in the Netherlands. There’s a big difference if you look at the reasons for men and women:

CBS, 2020

Yes, if a relationship doesn’t work anymore, and if you’ve tried EVERYTHING you could, you could end it (not by cheating, for fucks sake (pun intended), by talking to each other, like grown ups do. 34% of every marriage ends in a divorce in the Netherlands.

25% of the heteroseksual people in the Netherlands are cheaters, according to Henk Noort. Durex says this outcome is too low, they say it’s about 31%. There is other research that puts the estimate in between 40-76%. I truly hope this is not true. I just can’t imagine having sex with someone and then take a shower and drive home, kissing your spouse, while saying: ‘I love you, how was your day?’

Bron: http://www.vreemdgaan-overspel.nl

It seems as if actually getting married instead of a registered partnership works better, because married people tend to divorce less:

Then again, if the average decrease of marriages and the average increase of divorces keep going, the way they are right now, there will be less people getting married and more people getting a divorce by 2050:

https://wnl.tv/2017/09/16/wanneer-wordt-scheiden-populairder-dan-trouwen/

Less marriages mean more people living together, without getting married, which means even more split ups, since people who are just living together tend to leave each other even quicker.

So, was the guy I spoke to right? Or was he just being very cynical about relationships in general? This article is a must read: Read this link

It describes that…

…in times of insecurity love is the first victim.

…we want the certainty of a commited relationship while at the same time the freedom to get out of a relationship.

…people who live in fear will not easily open up to others and because of that, they will have a hard time to have these valuable relationships.

… people who are insecure should have love in their lives to be able to survive insecure times in the world, but interacting with other people brings them even more insecurity, which gives them fear to loose love/themselves / their independence again.

…people are more individualists now, they want their own freedom. They are afraid to give up their freedom, they want to keep all their options open.

…our desire for freedom leaves us with a deep feeling of insecurity and paralyzation: how do we know if this is the right choice?

…we want everything: the lusts but not the burdens of a relationship. We want excitement and the familiarities.

…we go through life swiping: sure that there will be someone better somewhere.

…we do not accept it if it doesn’t go well anymore. This works both ways: you can end a relationship like that, but someone else can end your relationship as well. The lack of engagement feeds fear.

It’s a downwards spiral.

Luckily, I am a very positive person. The guy I spoke to, probably built up his wall because of fear to be let down and get hurt again. I know he was hurt in previous relationships.

I am hurt in relationships too, more than once. There’s one thing I know for sure: I will never let fear take over my life! I need love in my life. Everyone does. I’d rather get hurt again, than never to love at all, because I have a lot of love to give, from a very pure heart.

And I am sure there’s a guy out there who feels the same way I do. I don’t believe in one true love, but I do still believe in love. Even ‘till death do us part. After all a relationship / marriage is about being there for each other, in good and bad times. Communication is key, keeping each other interested, and making sure you are trustworthy.

This is where my strenghts lie: (positive) communication, keeping the other one interested and being trustworthy. People who are similar to me, might think the same way, because they know there are good people out there too, just like themselves.

Yes, I have been learning a lot this last year, especially while being alone, but this does NOT mean I feel better alone than with someone who loves me for who I am. I am not afraid to admit this.

This…

I might be very old-fashioned, but I still believe in ❤… how about YOU?

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